Deep As The Sea Goes
by LuKEN
Summary: AU episode, set in s3. Spoilers up to 3x07. And people, there's a reason to why there's no mention of a pairing anywhere here. Just be patient, and it'll come... In time.
1. Intro

Title: Deep As The Sea Goes

Summary: AU episode, set in s3. Spoilers up to 3x07.

Rating: K+

Category: General

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters, this is a work of fan fiction, sadly, sadly, I still don't get any money out of this.

Music: Brandi Carlile – Throw It All Away

_

* * *

Previously on Grey's Anatomy: _

"We both had relationships with other people. We're both equally liable...for everything. So please, take the Brownstone," Addison pleaded but the expression in Derek's eyes left no doubt her belated honesty was neither appreciated nor leading to anything good. "All I want is Seattle. I want Seattle and I want never to see you again." And seeing him walk away from her it felt like a deja-vu. The worst kind of deja-vu. Only this time she wasn't crying or pleading, dripping wet from being left outside in the rain. This time it was too hard to even try to stop him.

"I've known you my whole life, I grew up with you so I know what you're thinking," Mark argued calmly while Derek couldn't even look at him. "That there is a year of your life wasted. Trying to make it work with Addison and you could have been with Meredith. That you could be happy right now."

"Hi. I'm Derek Shepherd." "What are you doing?" Meredith asked, confused by Derek's introduction. "I want you to know me. I want to start over from the beginning. So, hi. Derek Shepherd." "You walked away, and now it's too late. There's too much water under the thing or whatever-" "Meredith," he shook his head, "please." And although a part of her protested loud and clear she gave in at the despair in his eyes, the plea in his voice. And at the plea within herself not to doubt this. "Hi, I'm Meredith Grey."

* * *

_When you're near me I have no fear  
When I'm untrue you see right through me  
You know me as deep as the sea goes  
Calm my head whenever the storm blows_

_When the stars, and the moon, and the sky fall through  
I'd throw them all away, when I'm hollow  
Deep as the sea goes, all I know is I would throw them all away.  
_

There's some debate as to when exactly we become us. Are we predetermined to become the person we grow up to be due to genetics or the social environment we're born into? Or can we actually change what's been laid out for us and become a person of our own making? Can we redo the make-up and evolve beyond it or are we stuck with who we are?

In any case, we can only hope that we like the person we are or, at least, that we can stand to face ourselves most of the time.

But sometimes, when we can't, all we can do is try to change anyhow and will ourselves to start over and make a clean cut. Hoping it won't scar us for life.


	2. Scene 1

Seattle Grace Hospital  
Administrative Floor,  
Late Afternoon

-

"Going home for the day?"

Addison looked up from her charts at the sound of Miranda Bailey's voice.

"Yes," she sighed, tugging a strand of hair behind her ear while Miranda approached the counter and came to stand next to her, reaching for a chart herself. "All my mothers and infants, born or unborn, seem just fine so I think I'm actually out of work."

"Then how about leaving altogether." Derek's remark made both women turn their heads. "Aren't there some evil spawns waiting to be delivered in New York?"

Addison turned back to her charting. "Of course, Derek, but since I'm Satan I'm sure I can be in several places at the same time so it's all being taken care of," she replied wearily. This was part of the reason why she was so tired. Derek was hurt and unforgiving again and she was Satan and an adulterous bitch again. Everything was back to how things had been upon her first arrival in Seattle with Derek smiling at Meredith and glaring at her, with Meredith and basically everyone else avoiding her as best as they could, and with her trying to pick up the pieces of everything she had broken. Okay, so not completely like it had been upon her first arrival. She wasn't trying to pick up the pieces. Or not very hard anyway. And not everybody hated her. Most people had probably given up on trying to figure out who was cheating on whom here.

She had tried to get on more civilized terms with Derek for a while but given up very soon. It was clearly useless this time. In a way she understood why he was so hurt – she had deceived him. He hadn't been the only one with a relationship. She hadn't been – and still wasn't - any better than him. But not worse either! It had still been him cheating on her again, with Meredith, at the prom. In some sick way they were even, at least in her mind. Clearly, Derek was not on the same page on this. Without another word he took off.

"I see you and your ex-husband are still on friendly terms."

Addison raised a brow as she glanced at Miranda whose expression wasn't exactly one of sympathy. "You got something to say to me?" she inquired. Why not getting this over with as well once she was at it.

"I don't know why I even bother to tell my interns to keep their pants on and their underwear to themselves when you people can't seem to keep yourselves in check either."

"Hey," Addison protested. "I'm not the one who slept with an intern."

"No, at least you were smart enough to pick an equal," Miranda remarked snidely, looking at something behind Addison. "But I'm not so sure that's of any benefit to anyone in this particular case."

Turning around Addison caught sight of Mark as well and she quickly turned back to her chart. He was the last person she wanted to talk to now. She'd rather listen to more of Derek's accusations Miranda's lecturing. "Gotta go," she muttered, scribbling down her signature and tossing the chart onto the pile already accumulated on the counter.

"Good luck," Miranda commented as Addison passed the resident in a hurry to get away. But as most good wishes these days didn't turn out to be of any help to her, so did this one, and when the elevator doors opened on the ground floor about twenty minutes later Addison froze for a second before stepping out and rushing towards the entrance.

"Did you hide out in the women's locker room all this time?" Mark's voice reminded her she wouldn't get rid off him that easily. "Or since when do you need this long to get out of a lab coat?" She winced when he was suddenly close to her, practically whispering into her ear. "I remember you getting out of much more clothing much faster."

"Leave me alone, Mark," she growled, wondering if there would be serious consequences if she was to accidentally slam one of the glass doors at the entrance into his face.

"Come on," Mark called out, slipping through behind her – unharmed. She should have made a run for it instead. Maybe she could have beat him to her car. Then again, being chased across the lobby and the hospital parking by someone the entire hospital by now knew she had had an affair with, in high heels and with parts of said hospital looking on – there were more dignified or graceful things she could imagine herself doing. And if she was left with nothing else, she would try to at least keep some dignity!

"I mean it, Mark," she tried in her most threatening tone, "leave me alone. I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to be around you." She was done for the day and on her way home, her only desires something to eat, a hot bath and a good night's sleep. And she didn't want any company for any of those activities, especially not Mark's.

"Didn't sound that way when you called me in New York -"

"That was a mistake," she hissed.

"Or after your divorce was finalized," he added and she bit her lip. _Another mistake? _

Stopping in her tracks she turned to face him, trying to keep her anger in control and her voice down. "How much more clear can I make this to you? I was hurt, I was desperate and I was drunk!" And she simply hadn't known who else to turn to. Why hadn't she just done the same thing Derek had done, she thought bitterly. Gone to a bar, gotten drunk and hooked up with the first best intern coming her way. But no, she had called Mark of all people. The very person who had gotten her into all this trouble in the first place. But hurt, desperate and drunk didn't bring out the best in her.

"All qualities I like in you," Mark stated with what he probably thought of as his own personal charm. "Especially when they lead you to me."

"You're sick," she shook her head. "I used you! I always just used you when Derek wasn't there."

For a moment they just stared at each other as the realization hit her like a spray of cold water: a part of her felt not just guilt and shame but also a tremendous urge to apologize. To tell him that she hated being that person, that she had never meant to use him, let alone hurt him - if he indeed was in love with her and not just playing one of his games. But the smirk on his face wiped any trace of that particular urge away, leaving her with shame and guilt alone. "I used you," she repeated, "and even if I ever got involved with you again it would never be for any other reason than that." And after a moment's hesitation she added, "I'd like to say you deserve better, but honestly, I can't get myself to feel that way right now."

He didn't seem to have a comeback for once and just placed his hand around her wrist, but she freed herself quickly. "Get out of my way, Mark. In fact, get out of my life. Go back to New York and leave me alone."


	3. Scene 2

**Seattle Grace Hospital  
On-call Room Surgical Floor,  
Early Evening**

**-**

"Dr. Shepherd," an annoyingly loud voice drummed into Derek's conscience instants before the light was being switched on, effectively ending his well-earned nap in the on-call room. "Dr. Shepherd!"

"Yes," he slurred, shading his eyes from the brutal brightness. How long had he been asleep?

"We got a fire in a restaurant, a robbery gone bad and two car accidents coming in. We need everyone down in the ER," a well-familiar voice informed him rudely. "Are you awake?"

"Yes, yes," he assured, sitting up on the upper bed and rubbing his eyes to get a clear sight of Miranda Bailey standing in the door. "I'm coming."

Bailey gave him a skeptical look but left without another comment. Checking his watch he realized he hadn't been in here for more than 20 minutes. He gave his brain another moment before easing himself off the bed and down to the ground.

Having the elevator to himself on the way down, he assumed everybody else was already downstairs. _Including Bailey's interns, preying on their latest victims. _He sighed, thinking back to his own time as an intern. He wasn't keen on reliving that period of humiliation, bully and sleep-deprivation, but he wondered where all the years had gone. It felt like they had just flown by in a few instants.

The doors opened and he quickly made his way to the center of the mess that was an overcrowded ER, not without noticing Meredith, already busy with a patient but not too busy to send him a smile across the room. He returned it.

"Dr. Shepherd."

"How's the situation?" he turned to one of the ER attendings.

"We got three more units coming in from the club, no more criticals though. The GSW from the robbery is ten minutes out and the car accidents should both arrive any moment now."

"Okay. Any head injuries you know of?"

"None so far, but –"

"Coming through," a loud voice cut the attending off as the doors opened and three more stretchers were rolled in.

Derek listened to the paramedics calling out injury assessments, bps and medications. Seeing three interns practically fighting over the first gurney – male patient with internal bleedings, most likely a surgical case - he caught up with the second one as it was rolled past him. "I guess this one is mine," he said and looked down at the patient when he heard Bailey's voice cutting through the noise of the ER.

"Dr. Shepherd!"

He glanced over his shoulder.

"Dr. Shepherd, I think you should come over here." If it hadn't been for the tone of Miranda Bailey's voice, the expression on her face would have been enough to tell him something was wrong. He let go of the gurney.

"I got this," someone assured him when the stretcher plus paramedics moved on. Nodding absentmindedly, Derek didn't take his eyes off of Bailey and started to move towards her. The closer he got the more it troubled him that this tough, not to say rude woman suddenly seemed so…

"Oh my God," he heard his own voice when he got a clear sight of the gurney. "Addison!" He was by her side within a second, looking down on his wife, lying unconscious before him. _Ex-wife_, It rang out from somewhere distant in his mind.

"What happened?" was all he managed to stutter, taking in the blood on her face and in her hair, parts of her clothing ripped apart and the medical equipment attached to her still body while he tried to make sense of the situation. It wasn't strange to see Addison in the ER. She was a doctor, she belonged here. But her place was beside him or beside Bailey, standing up, leaning over a gurney, not lying on one, looking like… She was so pale.

"She was awake and oriented at the site but has been drifting in and out of consciousness since then," the paramedic reported factually. "Trauma to the head, internal bleeding," the woman continued but Derek didn't hear the rest of it. He had caught sight of the next patient being brought in.

Pressing a bandage or piece of clothing against his head, Mark was in a wheel chair, not on a gurney. Except for the nasty bleed and something with his leg or foot he seemed fine, talking to the paramedic who pushed his chair until he caught sight of Derek as well.

"Dr. Shepherd?" a voice tried to catch his attention and Derek jerked his head back around to face Bailey. "Dr. Shepherd, do you consent?"

He stared at Bailey for a second, glanced down at Addison, over to Mark, and finally met Bailey's questioning look again. "I'm not her husband anymore. You're going to have to try to reach her family if you need any legal consent."

"We don't have that kind of time," Bailey replied and Derek knew she was still waiting for an answer from him, a direction or order on how to proceed.

"Whatever you think is necessary," Derek stated coldly, sending a last glare Mark's way before turning and walking the other way. He really wanted nothing more but to head straight out and go home but unfortunately that wasn't an option right now. So he focused on the next patient getting in his way.

"Fine, let's move it, people," Bailey yelled as soon as she had processed what had just happened. Or actually, she had no idea what had just happened but she understood the medically relevant facts and that was enough for her. Addison Shepherd or Montgomery or whatever the hell she called herself these days was critically injured and there was no time to wait until they could reach her family. They had to get her up to the OR immediately. "Page Burke, paige the Chief. Tell them it's one of our own! Don't just stand there, O'Malley!" She was glad neither Grey nor Karev were around. The former for obvious reasons, the latter because he had been working close with Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd recently and although he couldn't strike anyone as the overly sensitive type O'Malley was probably the lesser evil. Less attached. _Just where's Yang when I need her?_


	4. Scene 3

**Seattle Grace Hospital  
Front Parking Lot,  
Late Afternoon**

**-**

Walking away from Mark, Addison was relieved not to hear him following her. She really meant what she had said. She was done with Mark Sloane and it would be best for him and everyone involved if he'd just go back to New York and let them all move on with their lives. _Or what's left of it. _She tried to silence the ugly voice nagging in her head but didn't succeed. _It really isn't his fault everything's ruined anyway._ No, it wasn't. It was mostly hers. Hers and Derek's. Probably to equal parts. But except for the sad consolation that they at least had ruined their marriage together, as a team, it didn't matter at all now. She had cheated, he had cheated, he had cheated again and so had she. Only at some point you couldn't really call it cheating anymore. But since it all didn't matter anymore…

Reaching her car she unlocked the door, threw her stuff in and slumped down into the driver's seat. Taking a moment to gather her thoughts, she closed her eyes. She was so tired. Maybe she would skip food and bath and just go straight to bed. Or maybe have a little drink before that, just to help her with the sleeping and shut up her guilty conscience and all the regrets for a while.

She had just turned the key in the ignition when the passenger door was being opened and before she could say anything Mark was seated next to her.

"Out!"

"Why don't we talk about what this is really about, Addy?" Mark ignored her.

"Get out of my car, Mark, I mean it!"

"I'm not going anywhere until we talk this out," he insisted stubbornly.

"I'm going to leave this parking now, with or without you," she stated, expecting him to fold since he was still in his lab coat and thus probably still on duty.

"Great," he smirked instead, settling back into the seat. "Your place or mine?"

"Mine, and you're not coming in!" Backing out of her spot she turned the car towards the exit. She had beat him at poker before, if he wanted to bluff she was going to call. "The forecast said it's going to rain all night."

"You know me, I have no problem with getting a little wet or dirty."

"Last chance. I'm going."

"You know how challenges turn me on."

"I'm going," she raised her voice, trying not to pay attention to his remarks.

"Fine."

"Fine." No poker then.

Her face contorted in anger she pulled out of the parking and into traffic. She would drive straight home, lock her car – whether or not he got out in time – and get into her apartment. Then she would lock the door from the inside and he could wait outside all night or walk back to the hospital for all she cared. And it sure was a long walk…


	5. Scene 4

**Seattle Grace Hospital  
Emergency Room,  
Early Evening**

**-**

Meredith just stood and stared until her patient reminded her of the needle she still held on to and that was still piercing the skin on his arm.

"I'm sorry," she apologized and hurried to finish up, constantly glancing across the room though to where Derek seemed completely focused on his task of treating a patient with minor burns and lacerations. She noticed Mark watching Derek as well, sitting in his wheel-chair and trying to get rid off a young doctor set on examining him. Then his gaze shifted and met hers, his expression guilt-stricken and resigned. She gave him a questioning look but he just seemed to wince before he barked something at the doctor and then got out of the chair to leave the ER. She watched him limp towards the elevators, making it halfway there before someone handed him crutches. Taking them without any sign of gratitude he disappeared out of her sight.

"I'll be right back," Meredith explained to her patient and rushed towards one of the nurses to have the blood samples she had just taken being delivered to the lab. For a moment she considered following Mark upstairs but then she carefully approached Derek instead.

"Hey."

"Hey," he replied, looking up and revealing an almost motionless expression.

"What's up?" she asked after a beat or two, for a lack of anything better to say.

"Just helping out until my GSW arrives," he shrugged. "Seems they can use every hand they get."

"Yeah," she said with a frown, still not finding any words that seemed right. "Hey, was that Addison?" she finally just blurted out.

He didn't answer right away. "Yes."

She waited a few more beats but he didn't seem willing to elaborate.

"So, what happened?"

Again, he hesitated, his face turned away from her. But she could see him swallowing.

"She was in a car accident."

"How bad is it?" Meredith asked, feeling so uncomfortable she wished she had spent the past 10 minutes somewhere else, anywhere but here.

"I don't know," Derek simply shook his head, not even looking up from the gauze he was just wrapping around his patient's arm. "They said something about trauma and internal bleedings."

"Are they taking her up to the OR?" Meredith had to force the words out but knew she couldn't just walk away either. She was too…shocked not to try to understand what was going on.

"I think so."

How could he be like this? She of all people understood what it meant to have been hurt by someone but Addison was still his wife. Ex wife, granted, but still the woman he had been married to for eleven years, whom he had spent a huge amount of his life with. How could he stand here like he didn't care when she was coming in with such serious injuries? She couldn't believe it was really Derek she was looking at. Her Derek would never be so…cold.

"Well, who's going to operate?"

Again he shrugged. "Burke probably or the Chief."

She could only stare at him. She didn't get it. Unless there was something he hadn't told her, something Addison had done that was so horrible that… No, she couldn't think of anything Addison or anyone for that matter could have done that would make Derek behave like this.

"Derek," she asked, her voice so low she was sure nobody else but Derek's patient would be able to hear her, "Why is it that I seem to care more about this than you?"

He didn't answer.

"Derek?"

He didn't look up.

"Derek, come on, she's –"

"Coming through!"

The yelling and the noise of another gurney being pushed into the ER cut her off and Derek immediately motioned for her to take over what he had been doing. "I have to take this," he mumbled and was gone before she could say anything else.

Watching him talk to the paramedics and assessing the gun shot wound himself, Meredith felt herself shiver. She suddenly felt like she didn't know him at all.


	6. Scene 5

Seattle Grace Hospital  
Outskirt Area,  
Late Afternoon

-

"You're mad at me because I made you tell Derek," Mark accused her as they were finally leaving the downtown area and the worst traffic behind them. "Because now your McDreamy-husband hates you just as much as he hates me. And you can't stand that."

Addison didn't even know what made her more angry: Mark using the nick name Meredith and her intern friends were using when referring to Derek or the possibility that Mark might be right. She could feel him staring at her while she forced herself to keep her eyes on the road.

"You're mad at me because I made you destroy any chance of ever getting back together again," he seemed to have come to a realization. "Is that it?"

Was it? _Is it? _

She shook her head. "I'm mad at you because I told you to leave me alone in any way I possibly can and you still don't seem to hear me. I'm sorry I called you, I'm sorry I misled you, but I don't want you here," she nearly yelled, only her exhaustion keeping her from raising her voice even more. "I don't love you, Mark." She was so tired.

For a moment they both fell silent, Addison searching for a sign that her message had finally gone through, him looking for something else and apparently finding it.

"You don't love me."

"I don't love you," she repeated, sighing with relief at the idea of him finally believing her, of him finally giving up.

"But you love him," the next sentence caught her so off guard rendered her speechless for a moment.

"You still love him," Mark stated affirmatively. "Don't you?"


	7. Scene 6

Seattle Grace Hospital  
Elevator,  
Early Evening

**-**

Facing the shiny doors and silently counting the floors they were passing, Miranda Bailey was trying to find her game. She had lost it. Being nervous and worried and just a little bit scared she had lost it, just like every time something got too close. Which was why she had made it her rule, no, her law, to keep everybody in this hospital, especially patients and interns and anybody else she was in any way responsible for at arm's length. Incidents like Cristina Yang collapsing in the OR and both her and Burke running around like a bunch of scared chickens had proved her right. He was an attending, she was a resident. They were supposed to stay calm and in control!

Just like tonight would prove her right again. _At arm's length! _Everything else was just stupid!

But all her inner ranting aside she knew there was no way she could not be affected by this. First of all Addison Shepherd or Montgomery was an attending and hence not her responsibility but her superior, more or less. And even if she had never exchanged a single word with the woman – she would still have lost her game tonight because she was a colleague. A colleague gone patient but a colleague nonetheless. One of them and a so far living proof that none of them was invulnerable or untouchable. The fact that she knew and respected said colleague merely added to that.

She just couldn't get her head around how that moron of –

"Dr. Bailey," O'Malley snapped her out of her thoughts and she turned around towards him, noticing the shock and confusion written all over his face. She couldn't blame him. Attendings were supposed to teach them, not to become their patients. First Burke got shot, now this.

Looking down Miranda saw their _patient's_ eyes flutter open and her hand move up towards her face.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?" she tried to get her attention, at the same time reaching for her hand. "Dr. Montgomery!" But she seemed too disoriented, struggling to pull the oxygen mask off her face. "Dr. –" _Oh, to hell with that! _"Addison," she tried again, bending further down and bringing her own face closer to Addison's. "Addison, it's Miranda. Miranda Bailey." Finally Addison's eyes settled on hers. "We're taking you up to the OR. You have serious internal injuries but we're taking good care of you, okay?"

Again Addison tried to remove the mask on her face and again Miranda stopped her, keeping a firm grip on her frighteningly cold hand. Only when she noticed Addison was trying to speak did she pull the mask away herself. "What is it?" she asked, her voice sounding too soft and too concerned, and dammit she could feel her eyes being just a little too wet for her to be comfortable.

"Derek," Addison breathed more than spoke, clearly fighting to stay conscious.

Miranda bit her lip.

"He's on his way," she lied, recognizing the intonation without a doubt. She had been there once herself and – oh, the irony - Addison had been there with her, telling her the exact same thing she was about to tell her now. "He'll be there," she said soothingly, "don't worry. He'll be there."

If she would ever have cared or wondered about the merry-go-round going on with the Shepherds and one of her interns – she'd know now. Because she knew that intonation and that look, and she didn't care what any of them would say later on. _Those stupid, stupid people. _And that moron of her husband. Ex-husband. Unlike everybody else she had never showed any interest or paid attention to all the rumors and gossip but even so, she was entitled to her opinion and in her opinion Derek Shepherd was a stupid man and right now a moron who better did not show his face around her!

Looking up she met the confused and slightly shocked expression of George O'Malley and became aware of her own expression.

"What are you looking at?" she snapped, wiping at her eyes as she turned back around to face the doors. Was that stupid elevator ever going to get there? She almost regretted Grey wasn't here after all. She could really need someone to blame right now for this mess she suddenly found herself in the middle of!


	8. Scene 7

**A/N:** Thx everybody for reviewing and I'm really glad you're enjoying the story so far. Be warned, this is only the first of two parts so once you reach the end, don't worry because there's going to be a sequel. Oh and, you still got some chapters to come, I'm thinking two or three more updates. Thx again for your input, all and any ideas, requests or criticisms are welcome - as long as there's something constructive to it. Enjoy!

**

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**Seattle**

**Outskirt Area,**

**Late Afternoon**

"That is so ridiculous I don't know what else to do but laugh at you," Addison remarked.

"Then why don't you?" Mark countered but all she managed was a nervous chuckle that sounded strange even to her own ears. _It's just too absurd, _she established in her mind, realizing her hands were clenching the steering wheel just a little too hard.

"Well?"

"Oh, don't be an ass, Mark," she retorted.

"Interesting. I make you tell Derek the truth and you're mad at me. I ask if you still in love him and I'm an ass."

"You were an ass before that," she cut him off. "And I'm not in love with Derek. God knows I was and it still hurts to say it but we're over."

"Over?" Mark exclaimed but again she cut in before he could go on.

"What are you up to, Mark? I mean, you come here uninvited, at first," she quickly added at the side glance he gave her, "you tell me you want me back and that it meant something to you –"

"That's a way of putting it."

"And the moment I turn around you're hitting on every needy doctor in the hospital –"

"Only the female ones," he cut in, "and including you."

"Including Meredith Grey," she continued. "Are you just trying to make everybody's lives even more miserable than they already are or is there actually some bigger scheme behind it all?"

"Not everybody's miserable, Addison."

"Oh, it's just me?"

"And you didn't have to be," he nodded.

Rolling her eyes Addison stared through the windshield. She had to hold her breath not to scream.

"I really wanted to make it work, Addy," he said, his voice having that longing touch to it again. _His bedroom voice. _

"I can see how hitting on Meredith is the way to go," she mocked.

"That really makes you jealous, doesn't it?"

"Oh, get over yourself, Mark. I just don't get what everybody sees in her." _Liar! _Of course she knew. Besides the obvious, Meredith came with no baggage, which she was sure had sealed the deal for Derek. And as far as Mark was concerned – well, she wasn't sure. "I mean, is it just that you're so attracted to her you can't help yourself or is it because she's another woman you can steal away from Derek?"

"I didn't steal you away from Derek," he remarked with obvious dismay.

"Yes, you did. I was just stupid enough to let you."

"You just need me to be the bad guy, don't you, Addy?"

"You knew our marriage was at a deep end," she hissed. "You knew I was vulnerable and you took advantage. I'm not saying I was innocent but you certainly weren't."

She waited for his comeback but apparently he was fresh out of them.

"I can't even blame you," she added, "I knew who you are, how you are… On second thought that's probably why I let it happen in the first place," she realized. "What better way to get back at Derek and get his attention at the same time and have the added bonus that I was sure you'd lose interest very quickly."

"Except I didn't," Mark finally found his speech back.

"I believe that you're interested, alright, just don't try to tell me again that it's more than that," Addison rolled her eyes.

"What if it was?" he dared her in that tone that allowed him to sound serious but turn it into a harmless joke just as easily.

"If it was I'd have to tell you – again – that there's no way because I don't feel that way about you. But since it isn't…" she trailed off.

"Fair enough," he shrugged and she glanced at him skeptically. "So, if you're not jealous of Meredith because of me," he mused aloud. "It couldn't be because of Derek, could it?"

She uttered a frustrated growl. "I swear I'm going to scream!"


	9. Scene 8

Seattle Grace Hospital  
Administrative Floor,  
Late Evening

-

Meredith slumped down next to Cristina who was sitting on the floor in one of the conference rooms. It was the only spot available since every single nurse or doctor who wasn't desperately needed somewhere else seemed to be lingering around.

"Any news?" Meredith asked, just having stitched up her last patient. The ER was officially clear of any crisis and all operations were back to normal. Except for the fact that every member of the Seattle Grace staff was preoccupied with the fate of one of their own. As much as they had all gossiped about Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, the loyalty that occurred in situations like this was as strong as it was unconditional.

"Nope," Cristina grumbled, clearly not happy with the situation. "What did he have to close the gallery off for?" she muttered under her breath while Meredith tiredly pulled her knees up against her chest to rest her head atop of them. "I mean, I get it, she deserves some privacy, but seriously, how are we supposed to learn anything if we're not allowed to watch?"

"Cristina?" Meredith barely lifted her head up.

"No, seriously," Cristina hissed, keeping her voice down though so that nobody else would overhear their conversation. "If it was me, I wouldn't mind. I'd be asleep anyway."

"So you wouldn't have minded if a bunch of interns had looked on while…" Meredith swallowed and looked up, continuing in even more of a whisper. "While Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd removed your fallopian tube when you had your ectopic pregnancy?"

"Well, it's not like I would have had a choice."

"Cristina," Meredith interrupted tiredly, "cut it out."

"But-"

"Seriously."

Cristina pouted but remained silent for a few moments. "So, where's McDreamy?" she asked then.

Meredith winced. "I don't know."

"Come on," Cristina mocked between her teeth.

"Honestly, I don't know."

"You think the Chief allowed him to scrub in?" Cristina asked, not even attempting to hide the jealousy in her voice.

"I don't think he even asked."

Furrowing a brow, Cristina gave her friend a side glance. "He didn't?" She stared at her feet. "I would kill to get in on that surgery and I wasn't even married to her," she commented dryly.

"He didn't even want to know how she's doing," Meredith blurted out while sitting up and turning closer towards Cristina whose eyebrows shot up in that typical way of hers. Not a lot of things could throw her off but when they did, it was crystal clear and written all over her face.

"He was there when she was brought in," Meredith explained, glancing around to make sure nobody was paying attention to them. "And then one second he was in complete shock and rushing to her side and the next he couldn't care less and just walked away."

"He walked away?"

Meredith nodded with a shrug. "He told Bailey to do whatever she thought was necessary and just walked away to take care of another patient."

"Maybe –" Cristina began but Meredith quickly added, "A non-critical patient," whereupon Cristina closed her mouth and stared at her feet again.

"It obviously had something to do with Mark," Meredith continued. "They were brought in together."

"She and McSteamy were in the same accident?"

"Same car, apparently."

Cristina shrugged. "So McSteamy and She-Shepherd-"

Meredith gave her a glare.

"Alright, McSteamy and the-woman-formerly-known-as-she-shepherd are doing the McNasty again. I thought that was old news?"

Staring at her feet as well now, Meredith heaved a long and heavy sigh. "I thought so too." And she didn't like where her thoughts were going now. "It shouldn't bother him that much, should it?"

Cristina didn't comment, knowing she wasn't expected to yet.

"I mean, they are divorced. He left her because she cheated on him. And then he left her again because he slept with me. Me. He said that he loves me. He said that he wants to be with me."

Cristina still waited.

"So he shouldn't be this upset about this, right? He shouldn't be this cold to her."

"Now she couldn't hold back anymore. "I'm confused. You want him to care more or you want him to care less?" she asked with a frown.

"More," Meredith established but then corrected herself, "I mean less." She hesitated. "Well, more and less." Cristina gave her a meaningful look. "I mean," Meredith struggled for the right words, "he should care enough about her right now to be worried or even afraid, but he shouldn't care so much as to blindly hate her just because she's sleeping with Mark again."

"Well, maybe it's just his way to try to find that middle ground," Cristina shrugged, getting annoyed with the entire conversation. She had enough complications in her own life, she couldn't spare too much thought to the mess that was Meredith's love life.

"So I hear McSteamy and Ex-Shepherd are doing it again?" Izzie suddenly slumped down next to them.

"Izzie!" Meredith hissed.

"What?" Izzie shrugged but Meredith just shook her head.

"Come on, Izzie," Cristina stated in fake dismay. "The woman's lying on a freaking table right now and is undergoing major surgery."

"Exactly," Meredith nodded. "Seriously, Izzie, where's your compassion?"

"Seriously?" Izzie echoed disbelievingly, "You wouldn't have said anything if Cristina had made the exact same comment," Izzie pouted while Meredith and Cristina furrowed their brows in unison. _Good point._


	10. Scene 9

**Seattle  
Outskirt Area,  
Late Afternoon**

**-**

"Come on, Addy," Mark pushed her.

"What, because I'm not in love with you, I have to be in love with Derek? Screw you, Mark. What's wrong with you men – a woman can't exist without pining over one of you?"

"I didn't say pining," he smirked, "You said pining."

"Well, I'm not."

"Of course not. Why would you be pining over someone who left you standing out in the rain, then walked out on you, had a relationship with a gorgeous young intern, forced you to give up your practice, your friends, your life and move into a trailer only to cheat on you again. Did I forget anything?"

She sighed. "Humiliated me in front of the entire hospital?" she added before she could hold her tongue. _But it's true. _How often had he called her an adulterous bitch or worse in public only to sleep with Meredith at the stupid prom, making sure it wouldn't take long until everybody in that damned hospital knew. "The only difference is he didn't do it to hurt me or get back at me," she pointed out, to herself as much as to Mark. _I know he didn't. _"He tried to make it work. We tried. But in the end…" She shrugged wearily. "We couldn't. There was just not enough left of what we once had." _He couldn't love me enough and I couldn't make him. _

"So all that marriage and love-of-your-lives-thing is just gone and now he's in love with Meredith instead?" Mark mocked.

She nodded. _I guess so._

"You really believe that?"

She hesitated before glaring at him. "What's it all to you?" She still didn't understand what he was up to. "What do you want?"

"You know me," he grinned suggestively, "what I always want."

"Okay, I'm going to scream AND I'm going to hit you! What do you want from me? Is this all just a game to you or are you really out to hurt us?"

"Us?"

"Me. Him. Meredith," she hurried to qualify. "All of us. What is it, Mark? Please, just, tell me."

"I don't know," he sighed. "I don't really know."

She glanced at him, not sure if it was another act or if he was being honest for once.

"I thought I did, but…every time I think I know what to do," he trailed off, making a gesture as if to say _it all flies out the window_. "I thought I wanted you. Then I thought I wanted to fix things with Derek, with you. Fix things between you."

She couldn't but stare at him. "By sleeping with Meredith?"

He shrugged. "It's what I do best, remember?"

She tried not to laugh but in the end she failed miserably and when Mark joined in and the car was filled with their laughter it was as if all the tension between them had just dissolved into thin air.

"So," she inquired when they had settled down, "what are you going to do now?"

He heaved a dramatic sigh. "I guess I'm going to lick my wounds for a bit, heal my bruised ego, and then I'm off to new shores."

"What about New York?"

"What about Seattle?"

"Mark!"

"You're banning me from Seattle?" he asked in mock disbelief, causing her to glare at him.

"You know you can't stay."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You can't really stay either?"

"Oh, Derek's going to survive. Right now he's furious but soon he won't care enough anymore to be mad."

"You know that's crap," Mark stated matter-of-factly, "but I'm not concerned about Derek."

She smiled, remembering he could be like this, remembering how this side of him had made it easier to fool herself into thinking she was in love with him and hadn't just…

"I'm going to survive too," she interrupted her own train of thought. "There's no need to be concerned," she assured, but in the corner of her eye saw him shaking his head.

"You all constantly forget that I've known both of you for like forever. I grew up with Mark and I met you the same day Derek did. So why do both of you think you could still fool me?"

"Okay," Addison smirked, "Listen carefully cause I'm only going to say this one more time. Are you listening to me?" She waited until Mark's eyes met with hers. "I am not pining for Derek and I am not jealous of Meredith. I am ready to move on." Mark furrowed a brow and she darted a brief glance at the road. "Okay, but I will be soon."

"Is that why you're still wearing your wedding bands?" he inquired with a pointed look to her hand on the steering wheel.

"We were married for eleven years and in love for…well, at least as long!" she exclaimed. "Obviously I'm having a hard time letting go of that, hence the moving and the trailer and the self-humiliation. But I will, okay? I will!"

"Then why staying?"

"Because I don't want to move my practice to yet another city and I'm certainly not going back to New York. " She could do without the curious questions, the gossip and the gloating or worse pity of friends and colleagues back in Manhattan. At least here all cards were on the table now. "I'm going to be just fine and so is Derek."

"You keep telling yourself that," Mark muttered, causing her to once again turn her head and glare at him.

"Cut it out," she exclaimed in fake anger, "You don't get to –"

"Addison, watch out!" Mark yelled, cutting her off mid-sentence, and jerking her head around she was just in time to see the SUV in front of her trying to abort an attempted lane change. Pulling back too hard the driver crashed into the truck on his other side. Knowing there was nothing she could do to avoid the collision Addison automatically tightened her grip around the steering wheel and held her breath as the wedged vehicles seemed to rush closer and closer. Instants before the impact her eyes closed on their own. She was never aware of her screaming.


	11. Scene 10

**A/N: **Thx everybody for reviewing and I'm thrilled you're all enjoying the story so far. It's always great when the readers are as excited about something as the one writing it. So thank you and I hope you'll like future scenes just as much. As already mentioned, there's going to be a sequel, a second part or episode, if you will. For now, however, enjoy scene 10 and your weekend. Next update due on monday or tuesday.

* * *

**Seattle Grace Hospital**

**Basement, **

**Late Evening**

"So, this is where you're hiding out," Mark finally broke the silence, his voice not nearly as strong or confident as he wanted it to be.

He had limped in a few moments ago and Derek had briefly glanced up from his laptop before realizing just who had found him down here and ignoring him subsequently. Closing the door behind him, Mark had hobbled a little further into the room and sat down on a table by the wall, leaning his crutches next to it against the wall. It wasn't too long ago they had been in the same place: him seeking out his former best friend and wanting to talk and Derek ignoring him and play with his damned notebook. _Fine_, he sighed inwardly. He had gotten Derek's attention that time as well.

"So, this is where you're hiding out," he set out. A storage room for abandoned furniture. "Very metaphorical," he stated with a mockingly theatric intonation.

Derek didn't move, much less acknowledge his presence in any way.

Mark stared at his feet for a while.

"I wanted to scrub in," he reported truthfully, "But Webber wouldn't let me. He sent me to get a cast around my leg and some stitches for my head. Can you believe that?"

Still no reaction from Derek.

"So when I come back upstairs again after letting some damn intern practice sutures on me, the son of a bitch has the gallery closed off and his nazi watchdog guarding the OR."

_Come on, Derek. _The image of Bailey threatening him with physical violence had to be good enough ammunition. But nothing came from the other side of the room but the click-clack of Derek's fingers on the keypad.

"And either nobody knows anything or they all just refuse to tell me. So I thought who better to ask but Derek." He paused for a second before continuing, slowly and stressing each of his remarks. "Her husband of eleven years. Her best friend. Her one true love," he overemphasized the last one. "He would know."

Derek kept deadpanning but Mark noticed the sudden silence. No more fingers rushing over keys, no more click-clacking from across the room.

"He would know or at least he would do everything in his power to find out how his wife is doing and nobody, not even Bailey would be able to stop him." Easing himself off the table and trying to stand without putting too much weight on his injured leg, Mark lifted his chin up and took a deep breath. "Because he would care no matter what and not hide out in some basement pretending not to." Rather unsteady he took one and then another step forward. "Just because his sad little ego couldn't get over the fact that she had been on her way home with somebody else while he was in the hospital, blissfully unaware and burying himself in work." One last step. "Just like so many times before."

He had thought he was prepared but when Derek jumped to his feet and came flying at him, Mark had barely enough time to hold his breath before Derek sent them both sailing backwards and crashing to the floor.

He had expected him to yell. To call him names or at least utter some hate-filled, violent sounds. But Derek raged silently, the sound of his fists connecting with Mark's face and body the only thing audible in the little room.

Until he let go of him. As suddenly and quickly as he had started, Derek stopped. And withdrew.

Suppressing a whole series of curse words, Mark slowly sat up, groaning in pain. If the accident hadn't cracked his rib, Derek certainly had. He tasted blood and spat.

"Did I ever mention you hit like a girl?" he tried to much but winced at more pain shooting through his jaw.

Derek wasn't looking at him, walking back to where he had sat before and picking up his laptop.

"So, you're feeling better yet or do we need to go another round?" Mark asked, feeling for the stitches on his head. He had refused to let them put a cast on his leg but the sutures had actually been a good idea. _I might need someone to do them over. _

Seeing that Derek was back to his silent routine Mark ground his teeth in frustration. Cautiously he got to his feet. "You know, maybe I should give you some of the glorious details about Addison and me," he sighed, "Where we did it, when we did it, how often." He watched out for any warning sign but so far Derek didn't even seem to tense at his words. _Stubborn son of a bitch!_ "Or maybe I should tell you how she felt underneath me?"

He held his breath but Derek continued checking on his laptop, not paying the slightest bit of attention to him. Mark reconsidered. Maybe a change of tactics was in order.

"You couldn't care less, huh?" He nodded, scratching his temple before limping over towards Derek who had turned his back on him. "Okay then," he muttered just as Derek put the notebook down and straightened up. "Plan B, I guess." And without further ado he reached for Derek's shoulder and landed his own fist in his former best friend's face when he turned around.

This time Derek did curse but it wasn't really clear what exact words he used. He didn't say anything more either, just held his face and backed off a little more.

"The way I see it you got two options," Mark explained, rubbing his knuckles. At this point his entire body was in pain. "Either you beat the crap out of me or I beat the crap out of you."

"Why would I be interested in either one?" Derek finally spoke.

"Because either way you can vent some of that anger and stop being an ass pretending not to care."

Although glaring at him with unconcealed hatred, Derek seemed to ponder this. "And what's in it for you?" he asked then. "What do you get out of it?"

"I have some anger to vent myself," he stated curtly.


	12. Scene 11

**A/N: **Alright, this one's rather short but since some of you were dying to read more... Next update will include the final scenes of this "episode". Sequel is in the making and will hopefully be ready to be released by Christmas Eve. Enjoy!

**

* * *

**

**Seattle Grace Hospital**

**Administrative Floor,**

**Nighttime **

**-**

Looking at how they were all sitting lined up against the wall of the conference room, George couldn't help but think that this had somehow reunited them. Alex had slumped down next to Izzie who was guarding Meredith's left side while Cristina was close by to her right. Well, as close as Cristina would voluntarily get to anyone. _Except for Burke maybe?_

At the sound of a pager he turned his head and watched Callie frown as she studied the small display and obviously suppressed a curse.

"I gotta go," she stated and met his eyes. She had joined them a little while ago, walking up them a little hesitantly at first but then determinedly sitting down next to him. They hadn't talked but there was no need to. This was different, any and all issues between them were off the table for now. And so it seemed for all of them.

"Okay," he nodded, realizing she was waiting for some reaction from him.

"Let me know if you hear anything?"

He nodded again. "Sure."

And watching her get up and leave, he once again wondered why he was so confused about him and Callie most of the time. He really shouldn't have to be.

"It was nice of her to come," Izzie commented and he turned around to his friends. "She's obviously busy."

"Lots of broken bones tonight," Alex remarked which earned him a jab to the ribs from Izzie. "What?"

"At least she's got something to do," Cristina muttered and got herself a jab to the rips as well. "What?" she exclaimed, rubbing the spot where Meredith's elbow had hit her.

Just smiling to himself and thinking that at least some things never changed, George looked up when he heard a certain pair of footsteps nearing their position. They all had learned to recognize those steps. He stood up and was on his feet the moment their resident rounded the corner and entered the conference room.

"Dr. Bailey."

Miranda met George O'Malley's eyes for a brief moment, then had a look at each of her interns, slumped down on the floor, looking like they'd just finished a 36-hour-shift. Actually, she wasn't even sure they hadn't.

"Dr. Montgomery is out of surgery and currently in ICU for recovery," she announced at their questioning expressions. "I'm sure she'd appreciate you all waiting here and holding out but there's nothing you can do." She certainly appreciated it. They weren't the worst bunch of interns she'd had. "If you're on call you should try to get some rest. If you're not, go home," she ordered, quickly reminding herself she wasn't here to pat them on the backs. She was their resident. "I'll see you tomorrow," she added and then turned around and left. Resident or not, she would take her own advice and go home. She needed to see her baby and Tucker and maybe she would even get a chance to catch a few hours of sleep.

"I'm on call so I have to…"

"Try and find some coffee," she heard O'Malley and Grey declare behind her.

"I'm on probation," Izzie Stevens pointed out, "I'm not even allowed to take another shift before tomorrow afternoon," signaling she was on board.

"Oh, what the hell, Burke's not going home for at least another hour anyway," Cristina muttered and the last thing Miranda heard before she was too far away from them was Karev tagging along as well for some reason. _No, definitely not the worst bunch of interns. _


	13. Scene 12

**A/N: **Alright, this is it. The Final scene. Thanks everyone for being patient. As you might have concluded the fic was basically done by the beginning of this week, but I just wasn't sure about a few minor details and wanted to wait until I was. Now I am and started working on the sequel which, as I said, I hope being able to start posting on Christmas Eve or at least around Christmas. Hope everyobdy's satisfied with how I left things for now but make sure to check out the sequel in any case because things might not be what they look like and there's a reason why I didn't specify any pairings yet. Just keep bearing with me and maybe enjoy the ride while you're at it. Merry Christmas everybody!

* * *

**Seattle Grace Hospital  
ICU,  
Nighttime**

**-**

Standing in the observation room and peering at the ICU bed on the other side of the window pane, Mark couldn't help but feel a slight twinge. He just wasn't sure why.

_This is what you wanted, isn't it? _

Addison's surgery had gone well, her chances to make a full recovery were excellent, and maybe, in time, things would generally be good again. It was what he wanted.

Still, he would be lying to say it didn't hurt just a little bit. Then again, lying - or for the sake of sounding less like a jerk - not being completely honest had always come naturally to him, especially when it came to himself. Sometimes, most of the time, it was just easier not to see certain things or face up certain truths.

"Hey," he heard a familiar voice, and when he turned his head it wasn't to confirm the identity of his company. He already knew.

"Hey," he replied and watched carefully as Meredith stepped closer and peered through the window as well. It didn't take a mind-reader or a doctor to tell that she felt just the same twinge he had felt a moment ago.

At least he wasn't the only one.

"So," she said, crossing her arms in a defensive manner she probably wasn't aware off, "She's going to be fine."

"Yes," he nodded, not sure whether it was a question or a statement. He turned back to stare into the adjacent room again as well. "She is."

Silence fell between them as they took in the scene in front of them.

"That's good," Meredith said then and he briefly glanced at her. There was no doubt on his mind she really wished nothing but the best for Addison, but the whole situation had to be…unsettling for her, to say the least.

Another few seconds passed with both of them indulging in their own thoughts before it was once again Meredith who broke the silence.

"It's good he's there for her," she declared, nodding as if to emphasize her words or maybe to convince herself she really meant them. "He should be," she added, her body turning a little towards Mark but her eyes never leaving the bed in the other room.

For a moment he considered not pointing to the giant elephant in the room. He could see she was rattled and torn enough. On the other hand, sugarcoating had never been his strong side.

"He'll always be," he said and turned back to the window pane once more. "He just didn't know it for a while."

He didn't have to look at Meredith to sense her tensing up while she processed his words and so they just stood and stared, watching Derek sitting at Addison's bedside, his back towards them, resting in a chair, protectively watching over his wife's sleep.

* * *

_In my restless hour I'm holding  
The words you say that lay my soul to sleep  
I dream of buildings that burn  
The sky turns black I toss and turn…_

So, that's the problem with starting over. Because sometimes, no matter how hard we want to make that clean cut, some ties just can't be separated. We can pretend they can, or, we can try to ignore they exist altogether. But every now and then, we'll stumble upon them. And whether we falter or fall, bang our knees, or end up with a bloody nose – they ground us. And remind us who we are, and most likely, who we're always going to be.

_This love branches out like an oak tree  
Reach for the sky and roots to the sea  
So when you're shaken, down and broken  
Find your peace of mind in knowing  
I'd throw them all away, when I'm hollow  
Deep as the sea goes, all I know is I would throw them all away  
_


End file.
